We were privileged to have one of my favourite guest speakers, Greg Paul, give the message yesterday morning and he spoke about death and resurrection; not of Jesus, but of Lazarus. Jesus had allowed Lazarus to die - even though he knew Lazarus was gravely ill - before going to his tomb and raising him back to life. Then Greg said something that I was not prepared for and it affected me profoundly. He asked us if we ever had an instance when something inside us was sick and dying; we had prayed and asked for Jesus to heal it, but were met with silence? Despite our faith and prayers, it seemed like Jesus was elsewhere?
Recently, something in me died. It was an integral part of who I believed I am as a person and how I viewed my potential worth in this world. It was a huge part of my identity.
It was 'sick' and 'ailing' in my soul for many years. A disease that I just kept praying God would miraculously cure. But, deep down, I always knew the truth. I always knew that I would have to let that part of me die eventually. I kept it on life support much longer than I should have. When it did, finally, die this past winter, it was an ugly death. For months afterwards I was in the depths of despair. Who am I now? What do I do with my life? Does anything I do now even matter to anyone? And the big one - IT'S NOT FAIR! I had a plan for what my life would be, and now it's dead!
Listening to Greg talk, I started to cry. Heavy tears ran down my face as Greg explained that, even though it may seem like Jesus has forsaken us - that he does not hear our prayers - that does not mean that he does not have our best interests at heart. Sometimes, some things NEED TO DIE. Not because Jesus does not know us or because he wants us to suffer. Sometimes we have to allow parts of ourselves to die so that Jesus can resurrect in us a new life, a better life. This new life is not the life we may have planned or even wanted. It will be different. If we trust Jesus, however, letting go of the dead in us and embracing our new life will be worth it.
Something else I always knew and never wanted to admit was that my plan would never have turned out the way I wanted it to anyway. There is just too much about the reality of my life that makes it impossible. Like a stubborn child, though, I clung to it, even as it died before my eyes. I refused to believe that any other life could be as good as what I had planned. Listening to Greg, I was reminded of just how wrong I was. No one can plan a better life for me than Jesus - not even me. ;) I still mourn the loss, and I think a part of me always will, but I understand now that that life was not meant for me. Jesus has something different in mind for me. It won't be what I had envisioned. I don't even know what to expect anymore. And I'm willing and learning to be okay with that.
